Don't Knock it 'til You Try it?

Why I said No to IVF, surrogacy, sperm donors, and insimination

IVF stands for invitro fertilization. IVF adjusts hormones to try and help that person to get pregnant. This process adjusts per person, but generally deals with shots in the abdomen a few times a day and its not even a for sure process. It may never work no matter how many rounds of IVF is done. I do have friends who went through IVF and failed and succeeded. Hallelujah for them! They did it. Here is a little testimonial of their process, "We cannot thank CRM enough for all of the long hours, warm smiles, kind encouragements, and excellent care they have given us. No question is ever too simple or fear ever too trivial for any of the staff to take the time to talk to us as people not just patients. We are especially grateful for their willingness to work long hours during this holiday season away from their families in order to help us fulfill our dream of a family of our own." (https://www.infertilityalabama.com/our-center/patient-testimonials/). IVF was right for them and in 2012, 61,100 babies were born(https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/02/18/279035110/ivf-baby-boom-births-from-fertility-procedure-hit-new-high) of other women. As with any other process, even naturally, success is not guaranteed. We did consider sperm donation, but im not even having periods, so we figured it would be a waste of time. Insemination and surrogacy are expensive even if you know the people who would carry or get it for a discount. Here is why i said a resounding "No" to all these options. Firstly, they are all expensive. Our insurance doesn't pay for any of it and we aren't going to start a gofundme for processes that aren't guaranteed. Waste of money. Secondly, when i heard the words, "you are officially infertile" I went through my grieving and coping process. I cried constantly because it was official that I couldn't give my husband the biological baby he always wanted, I couldn't give him the opportunity to dote on his pregnant, needy wife or kiss her pregnant belly. I went into depression because I felt like I let my young self down. I grew up wanting to do two things: go on an LDS mission and be a mother. I never planned on getting a college degree because I thought, "whats the point? I will be a stay at home mother." When I received the news, I was already going to school to get my degree in case one of three things happened: death, divorce, or disability. I knew I would have to take care of my family if either of those things happened, so a degree it was. Coping still happens to this day. There are good days and bad. Thirdly, I already told everyone I was infertile and I felt like it would be lying to them if i tried having babies. Fourthly, I already have crazy hormones! I don't want to go through more, unnecessary, synthetic hormones that will make me go crazy. The ups and downs of hormone change doesn't sound great to me. If anyone has decided to go through those options, more power to you, but its not for me. Lots of prayer and pondering has gone into this decision. I hope that anyone who understands this will know they are not alone. Your loved ones will still love you, everyone heals in their own way and time, and Heavenly Father has a plan for you. Prayer and therapy/communication brings peace to your soul and clarity to your mind. You will know that you are worthy of love, worthy of a family of your own no matter how it grows, and worthy of new, fulfilling dreams for a bright future. People may not understand right away, but that's their battle, not yours. Show patience and love like you would want to be treated.

Tyler:

I never thought it would be this hard to process Smaches, aka Kellie, being infertile. My mind has been constantly trying to think about ways to overcome this infertility. Yes, there are options like IVF and surrogacy but those don't feel like viable options for us. Having talked to Smaches about it a little bit, IVF with all those hormones would just be too much for her. I totally understand and wouldn't want to put her through something like that when it might not work anyways. On top of that, every option to try and get pregnant is extremely expensive. From what I can gather, none of those options are covered by my insurance plan at all so financially it may be a long ways out, if we do it at all. My mind is constantly trying to come to terms with this concept because my whole life I have always imagined having a family naturally with my wife but most likely that won't happen. Whenever a life long vision gets taken away it takes some time to come to terms with it but this is hard. I know it will get better because we will eventually build a family through adoption but for now it hurts.

Asking questions gets you answers or a punch in the face

Hi, my name is Kellie Whitcomb and I have a myriad of medical issues which has rendered me infertile. This blog won’t be long winded, but hopefully it will be educational. My husband Tyler and I will share our thoughts of the week because each week is a new adventure. I appreciate people asking questions about my infertility, but LORD ALL MIGHTY, I might want to punch someone if someone suggests another life altering option. For me, this opening post will be about people asking questions. I am more than willing to discuss my infertility, but people ask and suggest fertility options as though I have never thought of them before. “Why don’t you have kids yet? You have been married for 4 year already...you should have kids” “what about IVF (in vitro fertilization)?” “Doesn’t insurance cover fertility treatments?” “How far into the adoption process are you?” “Kids are part of gods plan. Have you prayed to get pregnant?” These few questions are asked by friends, family, and strangers. It gets overwhelming. Infertility is something I had to cope with. I grew up wanting to be a mother, so my dreams were dashed. I had to find new dreams. I had to accept that I would never give my baby-hungry husband biological children. I had to try and get my family to understand that infertility is not a choice. I had to try and tell people at church that I would be happy for a miracle baby, but I am not expecting it. It’s hard to have hope for something that won’t happen. “Where is your faith?” Jeez, stab me in the feels. I am bombarded with questions more days than others and although I have set answers, my feelings either get hurt or get angry. I come up with my own questions (I would never say them out loud), “how many times do I have to answer the same question? Since when is it your business when I have children? Do you know how many sleepless nights I have had pleading to god to give me the chance to have that miracle baby for my husband?” I love educating people and answering the questions is easy, but some days, I just want to shut down and live in denial that I can never have a baby. Hi, my name is Tyler Whitcomb and I am Kellie’s husband. We are unable to have children naturally with the health problems that Kellie has dealt with all of our married life. Learning this was very sad but knowing there are other ways to build a family softened the blow. Since we started dating, Kellie and I have always talked about adopting so I am confident one day we will be able to have children be part of our life. The hardest part of all this for me is how little of help our insurance is. You can do anything to your body, including having your sex changed but infertility is something they won’t help with. My health insurance has a very low copay and has covered everything else that my wife has gone through. But if we wanted to try and get pregnant through IVF or even get tested to see what else can be done, none of it is covered. A big point of debate in our society today is abortion and how it needs to be available for everyone, free of cost. 3,500 abortion’s conducted every day but if my wife and I need help trying to get pregnant, then we are on our own. This is something that I feel needs to change, not only because it is affecting me, but because conceiving children is still a noble pursuit and should be encouraged. We have too many broken homes of single parents and perfectly good couples who need help conceiving.